In my profession as a relationship advisor, I’m constantly being asked why lots of relationships end which results to girls wonder how to get an ex back. In the more than 30 years that I have worked with couples, I found five
major relationship killers:
CONTROLLING Behavior – Most people enter a connection with a deep fear of rejection, and this fear incentivizes various sorts of controlling behaviour. Controlling behavior falls into two major classes overt control and undercover control. Overt control includes many types of attack, for example blaming resentment, rage, violence, judgment, criticism and ridicule. Secret control includes compliance, enabling, withdrawal, defending, explaining, lying and denying.
Often somebody at the other end of attack will reply with some form of covert control in an attempt to have command over not being attacked. Controlling behaviour always ends up in resentment and emotional distance, bringing about the refusal it is meant to avoid.
RESISTANCE – Many people enter a connection with a deep fear of being engulfed and controlled of losing themselves. The instant they experience their partner desiring control over them, they reply with resistance withdrawal, unconsciousness, insensibility, forgetfulness, and time wasting.
NEEDINESS – Many individuals enter a relationship believing that it’s their partner’s job to fill their emptiness, take away their aloneness, and make them feel better about themselves. When folk have not learned how to take responsibility for their own feelings and wishes and to define their own self-worth, they may pull on their partner and others to fill them with the love they want.
SUBSTANCE AND PROCESS Obsessions – The great majority of people who feel empty inside turn to substance and process addictions in an effort to fill their emptiness and take away the agony of their aloneness and loneliness. Alcohol and drug abuse, food, spending, betting, busyness, Net sex and pornography, affairs, work, Television, amassing things, decking out, and the like can all be utilised as methods to fill emptiness and avoid fears of failure, inadequacy, rejection and engulfment. And they’re all ways of shutting out your partner.
EYES ON PARTNER’S PLATE – Many people are very conscious of what their partner is doing that is causing relationship issues, but completely ignorant of what they are doing. For instance, you may be awfully mindful of your partner’s resistance or withdrawal, but completely oblivious of your own judgmental behavior.
You might be extremely conscious of your partner’s resentment, but completely unaware of your own compliance. You could be really mindful of your partner’s addictive behaviour, but really oblivious of your own enabling. As long as your eyes are on your other half rather than on yourself, you will continue to accept that if only your other half changed, everything would be O.K.
RESOLVING RELATIONSHIP KILLERS – All relationship killers come from fear of failing, of failure, of refusal and of engulfment. So long as you are coming from any of these fears, you’ll be behaving in one or two of the above ways.
The way out is to develop a loving adult self who knows how to take full responsibility for your own feelings and needs.